I am not lucky as he is

"It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it."

―Oscar Wilde

The title doesn't seem so clear. But reading further here will. Until Abhay, my life has been an integration of sour experiences of people coming and going. But never been lucky to have somebody who would stand by me against all odds. I guess there are certain life lessons on love that I have learnt the hard way. All those incidents are enough to make a person encase her heart all guarded. That has not happened to me yet inspite of me forced to do this at times. I am glad!

With  the  emptiness in my heart I sat down to write but couldn't until I listened to a Fifty Shades of Grey OST. Below are few lyrics of the song.

O when the cold wind blows
I feel it to the bones.
O when you say you know
I feel I am not alone.

And even though I may return
To empty places on my own
But I remember all the things that you want me to forget.
Then you provide the parachute
When I am falling like a stone
And I remember  there's a life that I have not lived yet.

Miraculously, everything just became so subtle and clear. The music and the words calmed me so much as my annoyance lessened with the music playing on. It made fall upon the real me and my faith to go on and wait. Rather than wasting my energy to get myself validated under all sorts of relationship insecurities let time do all the work and show me what I truly deserve.

I mean what's the point to let the past dictate and ruin all my chances that stand waiting for me. Surely the amplitude of emotional investment done before might take some time. However, there is no doubt about my loyalty and honesty for the partner in my life.
But one thing is definitely clear that as much as he is fortunate in terms of the volumes of love and dedication he receives UNCONDITIONALLY, I don't get the same in return.

I might be judgemental of him way too much or pretty early blaming the vast geographical distance between both of us.
But this is how I actually feel at times. Nevertheless clinging onto the faith and love I have for him I see myself loosening all rigidity inside. At the end of the day the only truth that is unsurpassed is that that bastard is way too lucky in love than me.