Is it a latch onto or real love: Part1/2

O when the cold wind blows
I feel it to the bone.
O when you say hello

I know I am not alone...

There are times in life when you need somebody so desperately next to you to just be with you and nothing else. That just his mere presence gives you the strength of a rock! But there are certain unpredictable realities of life that are so brutal that cannot be bypassed. Many experiences come across in a hard way that leave a gaping void in life. Such heart wrenching incidents at times leave wounds inside that never heal or take a long time to repair. Like a severely broken ankle that never improves properly and yet you dance to the tune of life. It does pain but you dance with a slight limp.

Sometimes it feels like I have him and the other times it seems as if everything was part of a bubble in which I was living until now. Most of the times he snaps at me with sudden bouts of ultimatums to not bother him by repetitively ask him questions about certain things of future together. Me like an emotional fool in love is drawn towards him and just to get burnt in the heat of his angry reactions that bring me down. For all the reasons that we argue and get upset from each other, I start to feel uncomfortable and insecure until I hear from him back.

It becomes hard to pursue everything later. A flaw in his nature is that whenever a dispute creeps in within our conversation he leaves me hanging in between as if it's not his but somebody else's job to pacify me. I still struggle to have an honest communication with him. Intimacy is what he lacks and fails to provide to me as well. I am aware that we are not a perfect couple who is always happy.

I keep telling him that it's only his sharp edged words that comfort me compensating the distance between us. I believe that since we are hardly able to see or know what we are actually going through in our lives, its wise to be open about our thoughts and relate to each other's circumstances or problems in an empathetic manner. To this he retorts to me to be rigid in my own ways towards him. That it's not right for me to try to sculpt him the way I want him to look like.

All this and much more make me realise that I am a highly emotional human being. His rude and cold behavior especially at the end of a heated conversation usually devastates from inside. Being hurtful everytime hoards the pain inside and takes a bit of effort for me again to refocus on what's more important in life. Somewhere it brings the ongoing fear of losing the peace inside and makes me vulnerable.

It brings me to think over and over that is it actually a relationship to be together or to just feel alone.

Stress caused by all that incessant scuffling just asks me choose whether TO STAY OR LET GO.

All along the way, there are a million questions for me to sit down, take a pause and ponder upon whether I am in the right for this. Why does it make me feel alone in a relationship?

I wonder why should I dress up and look pretty when the one for whom it is meant is isn't interested in me.

Over the past year of being together, Abhay and me have been through a lot of phases and situations that gave both of us chances to explore each other. On one hand I am an emotional person who is not scared to be vulnerable and straightforward with her feelings to him.

Whereas he is an easy-go-lucky chap who takes life as it comes. He is hardwired to what he believes and doesn't take any stress even if it comes from me. It adds to my amazement to see how skilfully he dodges from being affected by my emotional spasm attacks (which are genuine by the way) and bring out the stress in me.

Being a love lab rat

My darkest nights made me saw the brightest stars. Is this right?

Frankly, I had a tough time during the earlier part of the last year. Everything seemed so hazy and difficult yet linked to each other. He could feel those cracks all over my soul that were created by him. And, I was slipping briskly into the pit of intimacy. There was a mix of emotions everytime and every other second inspite of being with him.

Why did I need to go through all that trouble just to be judged if I am marriage material? Why wasn't I treated with kindness and instead fed with a fake personality? Didn't I deserve to be with the original him?

Yet somebody was constantly telling me to always be on God's side. And I did so. Not because I had no other choice than that but because being in constant conversation with God gave me that peace of mind and stole anxiety from my heart instantaneously! I was in direct contact with HIM through prayers. 

I am not lucky as he is

"It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it."

―Oscar Wilde

The title doesn't seem so clear. But reading further here will. Until Abhay, my life has been an integration of sour experiences of people coming and going. But never been lucky to have somebody who would stand by me against all odds. I guess there are certain life lessons on love that I have learnt the hard way. All those incidents are enough to make a person encase her heart all guarded. That has not happened to me yet inspite of me forced to do this at times. I am glad!

With  the  emptiness in my heart I sat down to write but couldn't until I listened to a Fifty Shades of Grey OST. Below are few lyrics of the song.

O when the cold wind blows
I feel it to the bones.
O when you say you know
I feel I am not alone.

And even though I may return
To empty places on my own
But I remember all the things that you want me to forget.
Then you provide the parachute
When I am falling like a stone
And I remember  there's a life that I have not lived yet.

Miraculously, everything just became so subtle and clear. The music and the words calmed me so much as my annoyance lessened with the music playing on. It made fall upon the real me and my faith to go on and wait. Rather than wasting my energy to get myself validated under all sorts of relationship insecurities let time do all the work and show me what I truly deserve.

I mean what's the point to let the past dictate and ruin all my chances that stand waiting for me. Surely the amplitude of emotional investment done before might take some time. However, there is no doubt about my loyalty and honesty for the partner in my life.
But one thing is definitely clear that as much as he is fortunate in terms of the volumes of love and dedication he receives UNCONDITIONALLY, I don't get the same in return.

I might be judgemental of him way too much or pretty early blaming the vast geographical distance between both of us.
But this is how I actually feel at times. Nevertheless clinging onto the faith and love I have for him I see myself loosening all rigidity inside. At the end of the day the only truth that is unsurpassed is that that bastard is way too lucky in love than me.

Let-me-test-this-girl game

 

Is it right to pretend to a person with whom you claim to be in love with? How right is it to make the other person’s life a living hell just to validate her presence in life? Is it always right to be so obstinate to that girl who loves you so much, honestly and genuinely that she could never know how it is to be in love actually? Is ruthlessness the only way that you can check whether she’s the one no matter if it pushes her to the breakage point?

Like the title suggests, some men (who can be called as lab specimens) have a tendency to test drive their girl with whom they are in a relationship. Just to check whether she can stand the test of time and the pressure of all relationship circumstances they tend to put her within all sorts of emotionally charged up drama. On the name of love, they don’t even budge to give her a cold shoulder especially when she needs him the most. That she is desperate to reach to him to share her worries just to find him say NO to her just because he’s judging her.

It’s just that why they fail to realize that all this hard work is not required to be put up everytime. Those words once out of the mouth can be forgotten but not forgiven. I remember pain as staring at myself in the mirror with tears streaming down my face and wiping them just to see them rolling back.

That window shopping for love can also hurt terribly.

Being that girl I can say that I tried very hard to understand that strange behaviour. Experiencing those kinds of atrocious affections was really uncalled for especially when I deserved to be treated royally, (being in love) explore him and bask into the glory of his affections. However, I never had single clue that I was under constant scrutiny whereas as I was showing him with utmost love, all unconditionally and innocently. 

Being on an extended trial by him to determine whether I meet his needs, I was hurtful because of his opinionated behaviour towards me. Gradually getting extinguished by his defensive behaviour yet wounding words at times a part of me inside used to die a slow death.

Constantly being fed the ‘less emotional attachment’ policy to me, we were in a relationship about which I had no clue. Despite that my inner voice made me stuck to who I am. Whatever emotional violence I underwent, I accepted it without any complaint but only pining for a hope to invoke that change within him where he’ll realize how much love I have in store for him. 

The bitter truth at the moment of his confession of his discreet scrutiny conducted onto me went straight inside me like that sleeper drug that activates to affect from inside eventually.

Did he try to make sure whether he fulfils my requirements in my man- emotional, mental, physical, financial, and sexual? The answer to it is still indefinite. 

Still something silly inside me tells that he loves me! He’s a completely imperfect fool who has fallen in love with me with hell lot of shortcomings and I have accepted him the way he is.

I am a fascinating night owl with a pen

Nah, it's not a booty call or a porno peek-a-boo that I am indicating at. It's just that as much productive I find myself during nights while WRITING I am not even close to half of it during daytime. Guess, I have a longer circadian rhythem.

According to many writers and their experiences some find it good to write before they take a shower, in love or with an empty stomach. The first two reasons still make some sense but the third one fails to do so with much conviction. Without having a shower I don't even grab a bite leave apart writing. Love, it does inspire me but more or less like one way traffic. Thanks to my king of the unromantics, he doesn't contribute too much yet to my writing as much I want to credit him for.

However, believably, my mornings, afternoons and evenings are the time that fill up my pail of ideas with all of the creativity that I would want to pour into my writing. Rather than making it look like a race to the finish, as a writer, I try to enjoy it as relaxing in a day old meditation session or immersion in a hot water tub. My imagination peaking the highest during the graveyard shift is with less distractions. I am more focussed and have greater ideas flowing in. 

And it's not even I already chalk out a plan or make a broad outline to write faster or finish of writing quickly. It's just spontaneous combustion of all creative fuel inside the mind stove that keeps my writing all energised up. Great music with loud beats keeps me vibrating as I start framing the first sentences and build up the momentum.

The only disadvantage is that by the end of it I am completely burnt out. But the happiness and the satisfaction is all worth it at the end!

If you ever feel like trying my kind of writing and choosing the right kind of music to keep you up all motivated during those sleepy hours, try Billboard Chart Hits.

Chronicles of an amazement

Have you ever felt love giving an aim to you in life? Has that one unexpected confession of love just removed those thick clouds of haze and confusion from the horizon of your love life? If your answer is in accord then you would already know this amazing feeling inside your heart and the butterflies in your stomach. Yes, they both occur at the same time. And I experienced it yesterday.

Somewhere in between, with him, traces of despair and ego did creep in of which I am guilty too. But his sudden confession yesterday cleared those thick clouds of haze and showed me my path with clarity. It's so amazing when you see your guy (who is the king of the unromantics) suddenly be so vocal about his feelings and be so caring for you that he has ever been. That moment is so overwhelming that when those words dipped in love pure leave his mouth and reach your ears it is the same moment when your heart melts so much that you tend to go blank yet mushy. You forget all your anger and animosity to him as the world around you turns all rosy.

The magic is so strong that even if I am mad at him I eventually forgive him. I always find out a way to calm down and find a detour to change the topic (which subsequently turns boring) and reverse an argument into a love talk. He always makes it a point to pacify me as soon as he senses that I am boiling. And unbelievably, we both end up pleasing each other. Those are the spells when I also explore a new aspect about his nature which is so thrilling. We both move on making silly love jokes at each other rather than what we start with-arguing.

Suddenly I realise to become a fool for him in love and become the most patient audience that the world has ever witnessed. So, he announced me as his girl who is just a wife-in-waiting. We both are into this for the long haul.

From that moment, everything has changed for me. And yes, he still takes my breath away when I look into his eyes.

Tis the season to be jolly

There is something so jolly about the air in this season this time of the year. Everybody is excited, happy and gay with whatever they have in their lives- highs and lows; good and bad. This is the time when every heart waits for the holidays to arrive. This is the time when everybody longs to come back to a place called as home. A home where they are with their family. Where under a single roof they are all together enjoying the holidays and the season.

Be it young or old, this time around the year in the month of December is the only time that everyone wishes to be back to that only place where their heart resides-with their loved ones. That the only place in the whole universe that they would want to be at no matter what. They would any cost to be back.

This is the time when every house on the block smells of Christmas and happiness. This is the only time in the year that pulls people from all sorts of geographies and situations to see and hear the crackles of joy and laughter onto their folks faces as they meet after great lengths of time.

Such is the power of this season that no fear or instances of terrorism can stop all souls on earth to rejoice and celebrate the eve when the word became flesh as the son of God. It's the time when every heart is filled with gratitude, endearment and tenderness which the world really needs badly. This is the time when every person wants to be good, do good and make each other feel and share the warmth no matter how heavy it snows outside.

Enjoy this Google's doodle for Christmas this year that really makes you feel so good from inside.

May God make everyday as Christmas!