Is it a latch onto or real love: Part1/2

O when the cold wind blows
I feel it to the bone.
O when you say hello

I know I am not alone...

There are times in life when you need somebody so desperately next to you to just be with you and nothing else. That just his mere presence gives you the strength of a rock! But there are certain unpredictable realities of life that are so brutal that cannot be bypassed. Many experiences come across in a hard way that leave a gaping void in life. Such heart wrenching incidents at times leave wounds inside that never heal or take a long time to repair. Like a severely broken ankle that never improves properly and yet you dance to the tune of life. It does pain but you dance with a slight limp.

Sometimes it feels like I have him and the other times it seems as if everything was part of a bubble in which I was living until now. Most of the times he snaps at me with sudden bouts of ultimatums to not bother him by repetitively ask him questions about certain things of future together. Me like an emotional fool in love is drawn towards him and just to get burnt in the heat of his angry reactions that bring me down. For all the reasons that we argue and get upset from each other, I start to feel uncomfortable and insecure until I hear from him back.

It becomes hard to pursue everything later. A flaw in his nature is that whenever a dispute creeps in within our conversation he leaves me hanging in between as if it's not his but somebody else's job to pacify me. I still struggle to have an honest communication with him. Intimacy is what he lacks and fails to provide to me as well. I am aware that we are not a perfect couple who is always happy.

I keep telling him that it's only his sharp edged words that comfort me compensating the distance between us. I believe that since we are hardly able to see or know what we are actually going through in our lives, its wise to be open about our thoughts and relate to each other's circumstances or problems in an empathetic manner. To this he retorts to me to be rigid in my own ways towards him. That it's not right for me to try to sculpt him the way I want him to look like.

All this and much more make me realise that I am a highly emotional human being. His rude and cold behavior especially at the end of a heated conversation usually devastates from inside. Being hurtful everytime hoards the pain inside and takes a bit of effort for me again to refocus on what's more important in life. Somewhere it brings the ongoing fear of losing the peace inside and makes me vulnerable.

It brings me to think over and over that is it actually a relationship to be together or to just feel alone.

Stress caused by all that incessant scuffling just asks me choose whether TO STAY OR LET GO.

All along the way, there are a million questions for me to sit down, take a pause and ponder upon whether I am in the right for this. Why does it make me feel alone in a relationship?

I wonder why should I dress up and look pretty when the one for whom it is meant is isn't interested in me.

Over the past year of being together, Abhay and me have been through a lot of phases and situations that gave both of us chances to explore each other. On one hand I am an emotional person who is not scared to be vulnerable and straightforward with her feelings to him.

Whereas he is an easy-go-lucky chap who takes life as it comes. He is hardwired to what he believes and doesn't take any stress even if it comes from me. It adds to my amazement to see how skilfully he dodges from being affected by my emotional spasm attacks (which are genuine by the way) and bring out the stress in me.

Being a love lab rat

My darkest nights made me saw the brightest stars. Is this right?

Frankly, I had a tough time during the earlier part of the last year. Everything seemed so hazy and difficult yet linked to each other. He could feel those cracks all over my soul that were created by him. And, I was slipping briskly into the pit of intimacy. There was a mix of emotions everytime and every other second inspite of being with him.

Why did I need to go through all that trouble just to be judged if I am marriage material? Why wasn't I treated with kindness and instead fed with a fake personality? Didn't I deserve to be with the original him?

Yet somebody was constantly telling me to always be on God's side. And I did so. Not because I had no other choice than that but because being in constant conversation with God gave me that peace of mind and stole anxiety from my heart instantaneously! I was in direct contact with HIM through prayers. 

I am not lucky as he is

"It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it."

―Oscar Wilde

The title doesn't seem so clear. But reading further here will. Until Abhay, my life has been an integration of sour experiences of people coming and going. But never been lucky to have somebody who would stand by me against all odds. I guess there are certain life lessons on love that I have learnt the hard way. All those incidents are enough to make a person encase her heart all guarded. That has not happened to me yet inspite of me forced to do this at times. I am glad!

With  the  emptiness in my heart I sat down to write but couldn't until I listened to a Fifty Shades of Grey OST. Below are few lyrics of the song.

O when the cold wind blows
I feel it to the bones.
O when you say you know
I feel I am not alone.

And even though I may return
To empty places on my own
But I remember all the things that you want me to forget.
Then you provide the parachute
When I am falling like a stone
And I remember  there's a life that I have not lived yet.

Miraculously, everything just became so subtle and clear. The music and the words calmed me so much as my annoyance lessened with the music playing on. It made fall upon the real me and my faith to go on and wait. Rather than wasting my energy to get myself validated under all sorts of relationship insecurities let time do all the work and show me what I truly deserve.

I mean what's the point to let the past dictate and ruin all my chances that stand waiting for me. Surely the amplitude of emotional investment done before might take some time. However, there is no doubt about my loyalty and honesty for the partner in my life.
But one thing is definitely clear that as much as he is fortunate in terms of the volumes of love and dedication he receives UNCONDITIONALLY, I don't get the same in return.

I might be judgemental of him way too much or pretty early blaming the vast geographical distance between both of us.
But this is how I actually feel at times. Nevertheless clinging onto the faith and love I have for him I see myself loosening all rigidity inside. At the end of the day the only truth that is unsurpassed is that that bastard is way too lucky in love than me.